This page is devoted the my shockingly simple way of knocking up a quick meal. Food snobs should read no further - go and bake something delicate that has a French name instead.
Just follow these simple instructions, which apply to all of the recipes.
- Collect your scales, measuring spoons and other precision culinary instruments.
- Throw them all away.
- Get a big chopping board and a Very Big Cooks Knife.
- Put a big frying pan or wok, according to taste, onto the hob. (Remember to turn the hob on.)
- Gather the contents of Pile 1 and chop anything big into smallish bits.
- Put the pile into the frying pan.
- Do that spatula thing for a while.
- Repeat steps 5 to 7 for Pile 2 and Pile 3.
- Don't forget to eat the food
MadnessHere are the recipes, that is the contents of the three piles for each dish.
Note: any nationality in a title should be preceded with 'Vaguely' and followed by '-Style' so that 'Spanish Chicken', say, is really 'Vaguely Spanish-Style Chicken'.
Fish Finger Salad
- olive oil, green pepper, iceberg lettuce, spring onions, mushrooms, salt, lime juice, a small amount of diced fresh red chili
- watercress (or similar)
- fish fingers, grilled until very crispy and cut into square quarters
Don't fry this one in a frying pan, because it's a salad. Try serving it with boiled rice or small new potatoes. Note: the lime juice should be fresh and the fish fingers hot.
Chinese Fried Rice
- vegetable or sesame oil, one egg, (spring) onions
- peas, sweetcorn, prawns, chicken, ham, MSG (optional)
- cooked rice (better done the day before and left in a bowl in the fridge overnight)
All of the ingredients are optional, except for the rice. If you use the egg, scramble it on a high heat until it sets and breaks up into lots of little bits before adding the spring onions.
Pasta & Tomatoes With Prawns
- olive oil, garlic, salt, onions, green chillies, green peppers
- black pepper, basil, oregano, prawns, tinned chopped tomatoes
- cooked pasta tubes (that's English for penne)
- olive oil, salt, onions, chicken pieces (don't chop this up and make sure that you cook it for long enough)
- garlic (lots of), black pepper, basil
- tinned chopped tomatoes, white wine (not optional)
Chicken Chop Suey
- onions, garlic, fresh ginger, Chinese Five Spice, chicken fillet sliced into strips
- red peppers, beansprouts, MSG (optional)
- chopped tomatoes
Serve with rice or noodles.
Cajun Blackened Fish (Fingers) In Rice
- olive oil, fish (fingers) chopped into squares, salt, black pepper, basil, oregano, cumin, cayenne pepper
- onions, green peppers, lemon juice
- cooked rice, small amount of chopped tomatoes
- olive oil, onions, salt, cayenne pepper, courgettes, meat (optional)
- almost cooked boiled potatoes, a little lemon juice, sliced up tinned tomatoes, turmeric
- freshly ground black pepper
Fish Fingers In Lime
- olive oil, onions, fish fingers chopped into squares, salt, green chillies
- sweetcorn, lots of lime juice
- cooked rice
Chinese Fried Noodles
- sesame or vegetable oil, garlic, fresh ginger
- cabbage, carrot, red or green peppers, MSG (optional)
- cooked egg noodles, soy sauce